12/3/12
Happy holidays. This time of year
often raises debate over that phrase, but why should anyone bother trying to
determine the correct holiday to wish each person? There are so many to wish
happy! Thanksgiving has barely passed, Chanukah is nearly upon us, before we
know it will be New Years, and in between, many, if not all of us will be
helping various friends and family celebrate their holidays – Christmas,
Kwanzaa, Solstice, and so on. Holidays can be loads of fun and a source of
great warmth, but they can also be a source of stress as we plan large family
gatherings and worry about what family members will likely start a fight right
in front of the cheese and crackers table, keeping everyone else from being
able to have their nosh before latkes are ready.
In this week’s parasha, we find a
family in turmoil. Many of us have a Joseph in our family. That brother, uncle,
mother-in-law, whatever who is too smug, who is too favored, who always get
first pick of the dark meat off the turkey at Thanksgiving, gets the crispiest
latke at Chanukah, and who has a habit of rubbing it everyone else’s faces.
Hopefully, each family also has a Reuven, though, eager to smooth out the
family feuds, willing to be bipartisan, who runs to the rescue when any of us
are backed in a corner by less forgiving other relatives.
In the Torah, Reuven convinces his
fellow brothers not to kill Joseph, no matter how obnoxious he might be. He
allows the brothers to throw Joseph in a pit, instead, with the intention of
pulling him out and returning him to their father at a later time when the
other brothers aren’t looking. But where is Reuven when Joseph is sold into
slavery? The Torah just says Reuven returned to the pit and found Joseph was
gone, without mention of where or when he had left in the first place. Rashi
explains this is because he had gone back home to serve their father and
returned to the pastures where the brothers had been grazing sheep only to save
Joseph from the pit. Reuven is split, having to care for different family
members in different places, and in making a choice to uphold his commitment to
one, he has effectively turn his back on another. What an awful choice to have
to make.
Should Reuven have been more forceful with his brothers in
convincing them to not kill Joseph? If he hadn’t had to be sneaky, maybe he
would have been able to stop Joseph’s sale into slavery, but then again, maybe
he would only have estranged himself from their other brothers in the process
and furthered the family struggles. Joseph seems to be very unaware of why his
brothers hate him so much; although there is some indication that he does know
that they hate him. Maybe it would have been helpful for Reuven to pull Joseph
aside and explain why his behavior was problematic, and given him the
opportunity to make things right with his brothers himself. But then again,
maybe Joseph would get offended and defensive, feeling like he’d lost his last
ally, and family dinners would just get that much more awkward.
Of course, we all know that
if Joseph hadn’t been sent to Egypt as a slave, then Pharaoh would have no one
to interpret his dreams, and Egypt would have been unprepared for the famine,
and the rest of Joseph’s family wouldn’t have been able to come to get food
from Egypt, and maybe everyone would die of starvation and there would be no
Jewish people. Everything worked out the way it did for a reason. But Reuven didn’t,
and couldn’t have had the opportunity to realize it for another 22 years, at
which point all the family is reunited with Joseph. In the meantime, imagine
the guilt he must have felt, the anger at his other siblings, the fear of his
father finding out. This winter, with all our holiday craze, as we run around
like chickens with our heads cut off, worrying about who is going to whose
house for the holiday dinners and parties, who has gifts and who needs what,
who gets along and who we have to seat at opposite ends of the table, let’s all
take a minute to stop and breathe. Remind all your relatives to stop and
breathe. To reflect. To search themselves and look carefully at all the family
dynamics. Are you the Joseph, obnoxious and arrogant, off-putting to most of
your family? Are you the other brothers, irrationally angry and overdramatic in
your reactions to Joseph? Are you Reuven, wanting to make peace in the family
and not knowing how? Most likely, we each have a moment to be each of these
characters, depending on where we are in our lives, and which relative we are
interacting with. This holiday season, can we find to just be Reuven, who loves
and is loyal to each of his relatives? Can we all find a way toward humility
and understanding? Set aside your angers and your petty differences. Invite
back to your holiday dinner that uncle you haven’t spoken to in ages, remember
to include everyone on your gift or card list, let your annoying younger
brother have the tastiest-looking crispy latke fresh from the pan. It doesn’t
matter anymore who is dad’s favorite or what their personal beliefs are. Family
can brighten your harsh winter better than any menorah, but only if you let it.
As the days start to get very cold, and the dark nights longer, may the light
of all the different holidays keep us warm, and may sharing in each other’s
joys keep us cheerful.
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